Couples with Babies Don’t Have to Become Distant: Here’s What You Need to Know
By Emily Griffin, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C
Disrupted sleep, feeding challenges, an unending to-do list, complicated relationships with our own parents and extended family, so many decisions to make every day- big and small, and the inherent stress of trying to keep this little human alive and thriving… It’s no wonder that so many couples report that the most stressful time in their relationship or marriage happens during the infant and toddler years.
When we are sleep deprived, we are less patient, foggy brained, easier to overwhelm, less likely to be able to listen intently, and more likely to feel depressed. Many parents report trauma from the labor and birth experience, and if feeding doesn’t work out the way we expected, the primary feeding parent can feel like a failure. And what about the plan for returning to work? We may have totally different ideas of what needs to happen now that baby is actually here. ALL of this (and more) needs to be discussed, so much of it feels daunting to address. So, things go unsaid, we hold onto hurt feelings and resentment, and the negative cycles take hold.
But, I’m here to tell you, as a therapist who has worked with parents of kids all ages for more than 20 years, supporting many couples along the way, and a mom to five kids– there are plenty of things you can do to safeguard your family’s emotional well being and prioritize the foundation that your new family unit is built on. You can emerge from this chapter stronger together.
Here are a few tips I want to offer, to reduce stress and conflict, while increasing connection and warm, loving moments:
-Acknowledge your partner when you/they enter or leave. It’s so easy to overlook them when the baby is around, but it’s important that your partner feels seen and recognized. Eye contact, small gentle touches, and warm smiles can shift their mood and help them feel supported.
-Find small ways to stay connected when you’re apart. Going to their favorite grocery store? Bring a few of their go-to snacks without them having to ask. At an appointment with the baby when a funny moment happens? Take a picture to share with them. First week back at work after parental leave is over? Have dinner ready with a foot bath (or just order their favorite delivery- whatever you can manage).
-Schedule time together. Going out can feel daunting, and sometimes not worth setting up a babysitter. Planning a monthly date night out is great, but having smaller scale ways to “date” are important too, and can feel more manageable- i.e. picnic in the living room, movie night (where you pause as much as you want to discuss!, and allow for pausing to tend to baby anyway), read books aloud with each other, play your favorite music and have a theme night (babies love to dance and see us having fun!)- The point is, don’t wait for someone else to take care of the baby in order to enjoy each other’s company.
-View this time as an adventure you go through together. Avoid score-keeping. Let the “small wins” count. Help your partner feel appreciated, don’t take their effort for granted. Assume the
best intention when they’ve made a mistake, and give benefit of the doubt. Ask how you can help. Listen to understand, not to jump right into problem solving. The partner who is at home with the baby will have days when just basic needs feel like big tasks, because caring for and
nurturing the baby IS the primary task- so let the house be messy as often as it has to be, without judgment.
-Schedule planning/logistics meetings so that these discussions don’t take over and overwhelm you or your partner. Take notes for your meetings i.e. planning a trip, talking through work decisions, childcare, boundaries and plans with extended family, etc.
-Normalize taking brief breaks if you are feeling like you can’t talk through something without yelling, a harsh tone, or clenched jaw. Come up with a signal so your partner understands it’s break time, and come back when you’re better able to breathe through those big feelings that are coming up. Don’t make them feel bad for needing a break, this is hard to do.
-Seek help early if you’re concerned about your partner or your relationship. If you’re noticing they aren’t seeming like themselves lately, not connecting with the baby, mood swings/irritability/can’t enjoy things, angry outbursts, concerning sleep patterns or little appetite, difficulty with navigating the gradual return to intimacy, shutting down, circular arguments with no resolution that seem to be escalating, growing dependence on substances or other comfort measures, intrusive or obsessive thoughts that are impairing their functioning, or feeling judged and receiving negative responses when you are being vulnerable with them, it’s time to seek support. Some of the strongest relationships have benefited from well-timed targeted couples therapy, to give them a meaningful reset.
Our babies thrive when we get the help that we need, and do the work to create healthier communication patterns. Fulfilling relationships give our babies a sense of safety and security, which is the foundation of infant mental health. So, when we take care of ourselves and our relationships, we are taking essential steps to be responsive, thoughtful parents.
Learn more about Emily’s practice and offerings here, including the upcoming Postpartum Communication classes! www.happyparentshappybabies.com
Reach out with any questions- emilygriffinlicsw@gmail.com
Emily Griffin, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C
she/her
Happy Parents, Happy Babies, LLC
Trauma, Relationship, & Parent Support - Perinatal & Couples Psychotherapy - Certified Gottman Bringing Baby Home Educator
202-213-1868